I stopped singing...

I decided to take a break from school to get a full time job and have some time for reflection. Not sure if singing is what I want to do professionally anymore. I have been feeling this for some time now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life traveling from place to place auditioning for gigs you don't even get paid for in the opera world. To even get hired as an opera diva, you have to go through all these opera programs that cost thousands of dollars to get accepted to with no guarantee of a spot in the program. Although I am almost finished with the Vocal Performance degree, I am not passionate about doing this anymore. I feel drained right now. And my parent's sudden move to Florida is not helping my anxiety.

Some people might think it's my boyfriend distracting me or telling me to quit. But he was actually very supportive of me pursuing this degree. But I have been depressed on and off all semester, last semester, and somewhat last spring semester. I would have highs and lows where I would not want to get out of bed one day and be extremely motivated the next. Could this be a Bipolar issue? I have been told by some through out my life, that do I tend to have Bipolar tendencies. Perhaps this is something I should look into. My boyfriend even noticed my on and off mood swings.

Although, everyone at NEIU felt like family, I needed to take a step back. Perhaps I need to get help and see if I really do have Bipolar. I just dread taking medication for this issue. Why are there so many people I come across in my life of friends seem to be diagnosed with this disorder? Why are so many people being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder lately? It is rather odd.

But if I can't function like a normal human being and do normal day activities like the rest of the adults out there, then something must be wrong. Because this constant wanting to sleep in bed all day is a sign that I need help. And picking fights with my boyfriend isn't healthy either when we've only been together for 2 months. Although he is concerned and wants to help me and is sticking by my side despite my sudden outbursts. He's a keeper because of this. He no angel himself thought, but I love him.

A reflection on my recordings...

I thought I did pretty well on my Jr. recital. Not many people like to hear themselves sing, but then how will you learn how to fix mistakes to become a better singer?

I have improved a lot in my voice; it sounds like my voice is developing more full. However, I did notice a bit of a wobble in my pieces. I don't always have this issue so I'm assuming it was just excessive nervousness. I never used to have this huge of a "stage fright" when singing and so I think my insecurities are developing due to thinking that some people might not like the way my voice sounds here. Just the constant rejection from scholarship auditions and what have you has caused me to back off a little. Even though I should do the exact opposite and keep focusing on what I have been doing before that got me here, but I suppose my subconscious has caused me to do otherwise.

Regardless of my wobble, I like the pieces I did. I'm sure certain voice professionals will silently critique me behind their computer screens. But they don't know how far I've come or what I sounded like in the beginning of my training (I sounded like a mouse.). I took "a road less traveled" approach to my education and while others might disapprove and tell me I'm too old, I won't listen. It's 2016! Shouldn't 30 be the new 20? Lol. Like Luther College's bubble of strictly conventional college aged kids. It's like they heard I was an adult student majoring in music was absurd. I come back home to Northeastern where it's predominantly transfer students and adult students and suddenly I'm not so abnormal and weird.

Times have changed and there are many adults going to school exploring dreams they never got to accomplish before. Your age doesn't define what you should be doing at that specific cycle in your life. Your life is too short to not do what you always wanted to or what God called you to do.

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First week of school in Chiberia...

Another semester in our lovely, frigid Chicago January. Last semester was pretty rocky and probably the worst by far for some reason; aside from my Jr. Recital performance, which was the highlight of the semester and actually getting to play a role in opera scenes. So I guess it wasn't completely horrific. I just wish Vocal Pedagogy went better than it did. But it is what it is. I just feel like I let Dr. H down perhaps and I'm a bit embarrassed about it. I mean I grasped the material and was intrigued, but my test taking skills are not always the best.

This first week was just kind of frustrating because I got sick. Monday I thought I got rid of the illness before it got worse, Tuesday I didn't feel too bad, and then Wednesday I had no voice, completely congested and didn't want to infect anyone. But gee... what a week to start missing class...but if you're sick you're sick and singers don't want to be infected by you anyway if you are.

It was the first week and I tried to put my best foot forward, but this weather and sickness defeated me. Oh well...

Up and Down

I am over the issue with my old voice teacher. I've been over it. And it really helped to get over it more when someone I'd like to say is sort of like a "sister friend" looking out for me.

However, the only reason I bring it up again is someone went and said I stalked her...and well I know it's bullshit and not sure what she told everyone else but I don't want to give a shit anymore!! I am actually terrified to run into her because I'm not sure how I will emotionally react. I just think I would end up convulsively sobbing from being stabbed in the back by her. There was one time when I was looking into an audition that she was also attending, but then I was saved from not attending due to a dress rehearsal conflict for our choir concert at school. Although, I ran into her husband at a workshop at school and I didn't say anything to him. I gave him a hello with eye contact and then left. What else could I say? I'd rather not say anything unless they initiate the conversation. I'm done with that! But I got to say, her husband is pretty nice. It's just too bad she's a bit of a control freak.
I also ran into her pianist friend Ms. K, who used to play for me at HWC and she happened to accompany our "Carmina Burana" concert. I just said hello and that's it! Never mentioned her to her at all. Why would I? I only mentioned the incident to a very select few and I'm assuming I'm just the talk of the community to watch out for...whatever. I meant no harm. All I wanted to do was talk to a friend and I thought she was someone I could turn to...obviously not.

I just can't believe someone would say that... it's just something that urks me because this shutting me out from her was really hurtful to me. Someone who you knew for three years just completely treats you like a stranger. It was the most painful thing to me at the time. And while I have moved on from it, I sometimes still talk about it. So this is why I started this blog... perhaps I should make it private but let people read my thoughts. I don't care. They are healthy, relieving thoughts about how I feel.

I know she has a kid that needs a lot of attention now. I get that, I'm not stupid. I'm not ignorant to life issues when our lives move on. But it's just the way she treated me at the end; like I was someone she didn't even know anymore. And that is what I can't get over. The stabbing in the back from her. I always question why...but maybe God wanted me to see her true colors. The "two face" that I didn't see, that I have been told by other people. Yes I know this is gossip...but two people from "Don Giovanni" told me she was difficult to work with from ACO; and at the time I shrugged it off because we were friends and I didn't think Kimmel could be mean to people. But God showed me her flaw. I guess I put her on a pedestal and looked up to her so much, God wanted me to see her human flaw; her sin. We are not perfect beings. We are not to trust in mankind, but God alone. I put my trust in her too much; as far as my music education came into play anyway. And after this incident I sort of stopped warming up to people. I tend to keep my distance now. Although I am realizing not everyone will treat me like this, and within professional boundaries I can still remain friends with my professors. I mean there always were professional boundaries between me and her, but she always used to say I can reach her anytime. I honestly didn't message her that much when I was at Luther. She over exaggerated and made it seem like I sent her nasty awful emails. I guess it's hard to know someone's emotional intentions through an email. Even so, I thought she knew me and trusted me after three years of her mentor-ship, teaching, and friendship. This is why I question why? Why did she treat me this way? I did nothing to deserve such treatment from her.

Gossip

I have moved on from my past mistakes. Although, an issue that I have told some people so I can move on with my life and clear the air, I found someone twisted it into something false.

This happened two years ago and I have moved on. While I do regret what happened, I have to stop blaming myself because it is not entirely my fault. I was alone, depressed in a strange environment 500 miles away with no one to talk to and I lost it.

But this is over now! I've moved on. Now, I would like to act as if this never happened because I want to make a name for myself. I want to keep making awesome contacts like I did at the Liederstube. I want to keep singing.

If anyone knows the real me; I am a kind hearted, down to earth individual, with huge ambition and drive for what I want.

Family Brings Out the Crazy in Us

So we had a crazy family Christmas party and of course, hanging out with family can bring out the crazy and emotional person in you; as it did me!

I know sometimes I have a habit of posting my "drama-queen" posts that no one wants to see. But then I delete them after a while. I try not to do this because of professional contacts; but we are all human and I would hope that some of us can relate to each other in some form.

I know my Dad acts the way he does out of worry in his crotchety, old man sort of way. Picture the grandpa from "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "All In The Family." That's totally my Dad! For real! So now you know what I have to deal with..Every time I watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" I'm like, "That is totally my Dad!!"

I appreciate my parents support all these years and I know I have to move on with my life and see if I can do it all on my own. I like hanging out with my mom so I guess that's why I don't mind living here. And even though my Dad's a pain sometimes I think he is glad to have me around to keep an eye on them. I mean I did live away for a year and I think for a time, when I came back to visit he was glad to have me around.

I almost did stay in Iowa. I had serious thoughts of maybe creating a life on my own there...but I am a city girl at heart. I love Chicago (with it's corrupt politics and all). The city has a lot to offer for the performing arts and I would like to be a part of that.

So yes, I do want to live on my own; maybe get a couple cats in a little place of my own. I know I can make it happen! I am talented and I just need to work those talents and stop telling myself I'm not good enough, and just make life happen.

Disappointment...

I know that disappointment is a part of life and a part of being a performer. It takes a lot of guts and courage to do what we do. I mean I am happy for my classmates, but at the same time I am hurt about not getting the part I feel I worked really hard for at the audition. But that's all of us I guess... perhaps God has His reasons for not giving me what I really wanted at this time. Perhaps focusing on other weaknesses as a musician and singer needs more work and other issues in my life; like huge changes that will soon be happening.

I am happy to be involved either way and be with my musical family. We are pretty much like a family. I'm not going anywhere, so people will have to get used me being a part of this small community. People can gossip all they want, but that's not going to stop me from pursuing what I came here to do.