I stopped singing...

I decided to take a break from school to get a full time job and have some time for reflection. Not sure if singing is what I want to do professionally anymore. I have been feeling this for some time now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life traveling from place to place auditioning for gigs you don't even get paid for in the opera world. To even get hired as an opera diva, you have to go through all these opera programs that cost thousands of dollars to get accepted to with no guarantee of a spot in the program. Although I am almost finished with the Vocal Performance degree, I am not passionate about doing this anymore. I feel drained right now. And my parent's sudden move to Florida is not helping my anxiety.

Some people might think it's my boyfriend distracting me or telling me to quit. But he was actually very supportive of me pursuing this degree. But I have been depressed on and off all semester, last semester, and somewhat last spring semester. I would have highs and lows where I would not want to get out of bed one day and be extremely motivated the next. Could this be a Bipolar issue? I have been told by some through out my life, that do I tend to have Bipolar tendencies. Perhaps this is something I should look into. My boyfriend even noticed my on and off mood swings.

Although, everyone at NEIU felt like family, I needed to take a step back. Perhaps I need to get help and see if I really do have Bipolar. I just dread taking medication for this issue. Why are there so many people I come across in my life of friends seem to be diagnosed with this disorder? Why are so many people being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder lately? It is rather odd.

But if I can't function like a normal human being and do normal day activities like the rest of the adults out there, then something must be wrong. Because this constant wanting to sleep in bed all day is a sign that I need help. And picking fights with my boyfriend isn't healthy either when we've only been together for 2 months. Although he is concerned and wants to help me and is sticking by my side despite my sudden outbursts. He's a keeper because of this. He no angel himself thought, but I love him.

A reflection on my recordings...

I thought I did pretty well on my Jr. recital. Not many people like to hear themselves sing, but then how will you learn how to fix mistakes to become a better singer?

I have improved a lot in my voice; it sounds like my voice is developing more full. However, I did notice a bit of a wobble in my pieces. I don't always have this issue so I'm assuming it was just excessive nervousness. I never used to have this huge of a "stage fright" when singing and so I think my insecurities are developing due to thinking that some people might not like the way my voice sounds here. Just the constant rejection from scholarship auditions and what have you has caused me to back off a little. Even though I should do the exact opposite and keep focusing on what I have been doing before that got me here, but I suppose my subconscious has caused me to do otherwise.

Regardless of my wobble, I like the pieces I did. I'm sure certain voice professionals will silently critique me behind their computer screens. But they don't know how far I've come or what I sounded like in the beginning of my training (I sounded like a mouse.). I took "a road less traveled" approach to my education and while others might disapprove and tell me I'm too old, I won't listen. It's 2016! Shouldn't 30 be the new 20? Lol. Like Luther College's bubble of strictly conventional college aged kids. It's like they heard I was an adult student majoring in music was absurd. I come back home to Northeastern where it's predominantly transfer students and adult students and suddenly I'm not so abnormal and weird.

Times have changed and there are many adults going to school exploring dreams they never got to accomplish before. Your age doesn't define what you should be doing at that specific cycle in your life. Your life is too short to not do what you always wanted to or what God called you to do.

https://m.soundcloud.com/laurarose83?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook

First week of school in Chiberia...

Another semester in our lovely, frigid Chicago January. Last semester was pretty rocky and probably the worst by far for some reason; aside from my Jr. Recital performance, which was the highlight of the semester and actually getting to play a role in opera scenes. So I guess it wasn't completely horrific. I just wish Vocal Pedagogy went better than it did. But it is what it is. I just feel like I let Dr. H down perhaps and I'm a bit embarrassed about it. I mean I grasped the material and was intrigued, but my test taking skills are not always the best.

This first week was just kind of frustrating because I got sick. Monday I thought I got rid of the illness before it got worse, Tuesday I didn't feel too bad, and then Wednesday I had no voice, completely congested and didn't want to infect anyone. But gee... what a week to start missing class...but if you're sick you're sick and singers don't want to be infected by you anyway if you are.

It was the first week and I tried to put my best foot forward, but this weather and sickness defeated me. Oh well...