Vocal Showcase No. 3

Tonight was our end of semester showcase. I didn't have to perform because I did a recital, but why not perform?  Isn't this the reason I am here?

I sang "Il Mattino" by Maria Malibran. I did pretty good except for a slight hesitation on the words during the second verse. Ugh!! I hate when this happens though! And it was during the repeated section that I hesitated. I really don't know why... I just feel this is becoming a habit with me and I don't know why; especially during auditions. It's like my confidence goes out the window... I wish this habit will go away because it's not helping me in the least... this is definitely something Kimmel always worked with me on; my nerves and how to get through it. I have over come them a lot, but my biggest fear is forgetting my words on stage and then I slightly end up doing so anyway... perhaps maybe I think about this issue too much and need to think of some kind of breathing meditation or prayer before getting on.

Everyone did great. I love seeing other voice students improve in their singing. It is really wonderful to see!

A bit of Inspiration

I took my niece to see "The Merry Widow." It was her first opera, so I am glad I got to show her some culture away from living out in the middle of nowhere. Definitely a good first opera to expose someone to; especially if English is their native language, since it was in English.

Watching this did give me inspiration to keep pushing forward. What is stopping me except negative talk from myself and obstacles that keep pushing me down? Who hasn't had obstacles that ever wanted to succeed in life? 

I have been beating myself up this semester ; probably more so than last year. Just because of me missing choir too much. More so than last year. I have never done this in the history of me being in choirs. So I don't know what has come over me. Could it be that I hate being an alto because I've never been an alto? Could it be my somewhat regretting leaving one of the top choral education colleges in the country (at least in my mind it was)? Do I feel like somewhat of a failure because of it? I mean no one told me anything bad there. I mainly left because I wanted more opportunities to perform in opera workshop, and all I was doing at Luther, was sitting on the side lines waiting my turn. So chorus wasn't my main priority in my mind. If I got into Nordic would I have left? Probably not, but I didn't audition when I already made my decision to leave.  

I know it was probably juvenile to post that I hate being alto (2nd alto at that). I know if I were at Luther, I would be happy to be in any section as a woman because it is highly competitive as a woman vocalist. I know my sight singing is not great, although I nailed the sight singing when I auditoned for Cathedral Choir, so I don't know what else to say except to brush it up because there are students coming in younger and more experienced than I am. 

I mean I sometimes regret my decision, but probably more relief than regret at this point because of the performance opportunities I've had and the supportive students that welcomed me with open arms instead of gossiping behind my back. Although, do I regret how unprofessional I have behaved in choir? Absolutely. Dr. O is probably really disappointed in me and hates me right now. But all I can say is I stuck it out instead of quitting and chalk it up for a better next year! 

After seeing "The Merry Widow", I can't quit, I've come too far. I've spent too much on voice lessons to quit. And if Renee Fleming is still singing, what's stopping me? Perhaps seeing this performance is what I needed.

Emotions get the best of us...

I know sometimes our emotions come out selfishly without thinking of other people's situations. But that is why this outlet of writing in a journal/blog is healthy. I don't always get around to writing, but when I do, it is helpful for me so I can live normally. :)

I realize my first voice teacher has a toddler now. I get that. But I just can't help feel bad about what happened as far as miscommunication between us. I still miss her sometimes and wish I can speak to her about everything as far as music goes. That is all. I have moved on with life, but sometimes flashbacks come back and my emotions will get the best of me. And perhaps this past issue in my life is just one of the reasons I have been holding myself back. But people want to see me succeed, I want to see myself succeed, and I don't want to let my professors or colleagues down anymore. It's not like me to miss choir and let my team down. I'm all about choir and being a musician and need to let these passions show again instead of acting like I don't care.

But someone helped solidify this whole past issue. So my prayers have been answered; a kind person responded and gave me the heads up on the realities of life. So I can let this go for good. Ok! "On word and up words."

Post Recital

It was my first huge recital and I thought I did well. There were some bloopers, but I recovered and that's just the nature of live performance. I'm sure it happens all the time.

My vocal folds are a bit tender today and so I've been on vocal rest most of the day. I probably will be tomorrow too. I'm not used to singing this much, although hopefully it's something I will get used to. 

My recital helped my confidence and helped me realize that this is legit! I've been doubting myself all semester and is probably why my lack of motivation. I feel bad I've let people down but right now, I have to stop worrying about what other people think and also stop worrying about past issues. But the past is something that has been difficult for me to get over. 

I still feel bad about the whole issue with my first voice teacher and sometimes wonder what kind of rumors she said about me and whether my name is blacklisted within the community as if I'm some kind of threat. It embarrasses me and it makes me choke in tears a lot. I feel like someone without a home base to go to within my field; someone to talk to about current issues that I can go to confidentially and away from bureaucracy. She was my mentor for so long and now? I have trust issues. I feel like no one understands what this issue has put me through emotionally. All I wanted was communication and you think someone who has worked with you for three years knows you, and will listen with no judgement. This is why this issue is so hard on me. I just don't understand how someone can treat someone like this. I wish my voice would be heard and understood. I want someone to know how hurt I am. I asked for forgiveness, but I have been treated like a martian. I wish she would have come to my recital. Swallow her pride and come hear me sing. I just want her to be proud of my accomplishment on how far I've come, and how much I have improved vocally. I have not gotten over this! I have not! If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here as a music major. She helped me push through and this is why it has been so hard for me. I wish someone would have my back on this and understand where I'm coming from.