Up and Down

I am over the issue with my old voice teacher. I've been over it. And it really helped to get over it more when someone I'd like to say is sort of like a "sister friend" looking out for me.

However, the only reason I bring it up again is someone went and said I stalked her...and well I know it's bullshit and not sure what she told everyone else but I don't want to give a shit anymore!! I am actually terrified to run into her because I'm not sure how I will emotionally react. I just think I would end up convulsively sobbing from being stabbed in the back by her. There was one time when I was looking into an audition that she was also attending, but then I was saved from not attending due to a dress rehearsal conflict for our choir concert at school. Although, I ran into her husband at a workshop at school and I didn't say anything to him. I gave him a hello with eye contact and then left. What else could I say? I'd rather not say anything unless they initiate the conversation. I'm done with that! But I got to say, her husband is pretty nice. It's just too bad she's a bit of a control freak.
I also ran into her pianist friend Ms. K, who used to play for me at HWC and she happened to accompany our "Carmina Burana" concert. I just said hello and that's it! Never mentioned her to her at all. Why would I? I only mentioned the incident to a very select few and I'm assuming I'm just the talk of the community to watch out for...whatever. I meant no harm. All I wanted to do was talk to a friend and I thought she was someone I could turn to...obviously not.

I just can't believe someone would say that... it's just something that urks me because this shutting me out from her was really hurtful to me. Someone who you knew for three years just completely treats you like a stranger. It was the most painful thing to me at the time. And while I have moved on from it, I sometimes still talk about it. So this is why I started this blog... perhaps I should make it private but let people read my thoughts. I don't care. They are healthy, relieving thoughts about how I feel.

I know she has a kid that needs a lot of attention now. I get that, I'm not stupid. I'm not ignorant to life issues when our lives move on. But it's just the way she treated me at the end; like I was someone she didn't even know anymore. And that is what I can't get over. The stabbing in the back from her. I always question why...but maybe God wanted me to see her true colors. The "two face" that I didn't see, that I have been told by other people. Yes I know this is gossip...but two people from "Don Giovanni" told me she was difficult to work with from ACO; and at the time I shrugged it off because we were friends and I didn't think Kimmel could be mean to people. But God showed me her flaw. I guess I put her on a pedestal and looked up to her so much, God wanted me to see her human flaw; her sin. We are not perfect beings. We are not to trust in mankind, but God alone. I put my trust in her too much; as far as my music education came into play anyway. And after this incident I sort of stopped warming up to people. I tend to keep my distance now. Although I am realizing not everyone will treat me like this, and within professional boundaries I can still remain friends with my professors. I mean there always were professional boundaries between me and her, but she always used to say I can reach her anytime. I honestly didn't message her that much when I was at Luther. She over exaggerated and made it seem like I sent her nasty awful emails. I guess it's hard to know someone's emotional intentions through an email. Even so, I thought she knew me and trusted me after three years of her mentor-ship, teaching, and friendship. This is why I question why? Why did she treat me this way? I did nothing to deserve such treatment from her.

Gossip

I have moved on from my past mistakes. Although, an issue that I have told some people so I can move on with my life and clear the air, I found someone twisted it into something false.

This happened two years ago and I have moved on. While I do regret what happened, I have to stop blaming myself because it is not entirely my fault. I was alone, depressed in a strange environment 500 miles away with no one to talk to and I lost it.

But this is over now! I've moved on. Now, I would like to act as if this never happened because I want to make a name for myself. I want to keep making awesome contacts like I did at the Liederstube. I want to keep singing.

If anyone knows the real me; I am a kind hearted, down to earth individual, with huge ambition and drive for what I want.

Family Brings Out the Crazy in Us

So we had a crazy family Christmas party and of course, hanging out with family can bring out the crazy and emotional person in you; as it did me!

I know sometimes I have a habit of posting my "drama-queen" posts that no one wants to see. But then I delete them after a while. I try not to do this because of professional contacts; but we are all human and I would hope that some of us can relate to each other in some form.

I know my Dad acts the way he does out of worry in his crotchety, old man sort of way. Picture the grandpa from "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "All In The Family." That's totally my Dad! For real! So now you know what I have to deal with..Every time I watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" I'm like, "That is totally my Dad!!"

I appreciate my parents support all these years and I know I have to move on with my life and see if I can do it all on my own. I like hanging out with my mom so I guess that's why I don't mind living here. And even though my Dad's a pain sometimes I think he is glad to have me around to keep an eye on them. I mean I did live away for a year and I think for a time, when I came back to visit he was glad to have me around.

I almost did stay in Iowa. I had serious thoughts of maybe creating a life on my own there...but I am a city girl at heart. I love Chicago (with it's corrupt politics and all). The city has a lot to offer for the performing arts and I would like to be a part of that.

So yes, I do want to live on my own; maybe get a couple cats in a little place of my own. I know I can make it happen! I am talented and I just need to work those talents and stop telling myself I'm not good enough, and just make life happen.

Disappointment...

I know that disappointment is a part of life and a part of being a performer. It takes a lot of guts and courage to do what we do. I mean I am happy for my classmates, but at the same time I am hurt about not getting the part I feel I worked really hard for at the audition. But that's all of us I guess... perhaps God has His reasons for not giving me what I really wanted at this time. Perhaps focusing on other weaknesses as a musician and singer needs more work and other issues in my life; like huge changes that will soon be happening.

I am happy to be involved either way and be with my musical family. We are pretty much like a family. I'm not going anywhere, so people will have to get used me being a part of this small community. People can gossip all they want, but that's not going to stop me from pursuing what I came here to do.

Vocal Showcase No. 3

Tonight was our end of semester showcase. I didn't have to perform because I did a recital, but why not perform?  Isn't this the reason I am here?

I sang "Il Mattino" by Maria Malibran. I did pretty good except for a slight hesitation on the words during the second verse. Ugh!! I hate when this happens though! And it was during the repeated section that I hesitated. I really don't know why... I just feel this is becoming a habit with me and I don't know why; especially during auditions. It's like my confidence goes out the window... I wish this habit will go away because it's not helping me in the least... this is definitely something Kimmel always worked with me on; my nerves and how to get through it. I have over come them a lot, but my biggest fear is forgetting my words on stage and then I slightly end up doing so anyway... perhaps maybe I think about this issue too much and need to think of some kind of breathing meditation or prayer before getting on.

Everyone did great. I love seeing other voice students improve in their singing. It is really wonderful to see!

A bit of Inspiration

I took my niece to see "The Merry Widow." It was her first opera, so I am glad I got to show her some culture away from living out in the middle of nowhere. Definitely a good first opera to expose someone to; especially if English is their native language, since it was in English.

Watching this did give me inspiration to keep pushing forward. What is stopping me except negative talk from myself and obstacles that keep pushing me down? Who hasn't had obstacles that ever wanted to succeed in life? 

I have been beating myself up this semester ; probably more so than last year. Just because of me missing choir too much. More so than last year. I have never done this in the history of me being in choirs. So I don't know what has come over me. Could it be that I hate being an alto because I've never been an alto? Could it be my somewhat regretting leaving one of the top choral education colleges in the country (at least in my mind it was)? Do I feel like somewhat of a failure because of it? I mean no one told me anything bad there. I mainly left because I wanted more opportunities to perform in opera workshop, and all I was doing at Luther, was sitting on the side lines waiting my turn. So chorus wasn't my main priority in my mind. If I got into Nordic would I have left? Probably not, but I didn't audition when I already made my decision to leave.  

I know it was probably juvenile to post that I hate being alto (2nd alto at that). I know if I were at Luther, I would be happy to be in any section as a woman because it is highly competitive as a woman vocalist. I know my sight singing is not great, although I nailed the sight singing when I auditoned for Cathedral Choir, so I don't know what else to say except to brush it up because there are students coming in younger and more experienced than I am. 

I mean I sometimes regret my decision, but probably more relief than regret at this point because of the performance opportunities I've had and the supportive students that welcomed me with open arms instead of gossiping behind my back. Although, do I regret how unprofessional I have behaved in choir? Absolutely. Dr. O is probably really disappointed in me and hates me right now. But all I can say is I stuck it out instead of quitting and chalk it up for a better next year! 

After seeing "The Merry Widow", I can't quit, I've come too far. I've spent too much on voice lessons to quit. And if Renee Fleming is still singing, what's stopping me? Perhaps seeing this performance is what I needed.

Emotions get the best of us...

I know sometimes our emotions come out selfishly without thinking of other people's situations. But that is why this outlet of writing in a journal/blog is healthy. I don't always get around to writing, but when I do, it is helpful for me so I can live normally. :)

I realize my first voice teacher has a toddler now. I get that. But I just can't help feel bad about what happened as far as miscommunication between us. I still miss her sometimes and wish I can speak to her about everything as far as music goes. That is all. I have moved on with life, but sometimes flashbacks come back and my emotions will get the best of me. And perhaps this past issue in my life is just one of the reasons I have been holding myself back. But people want to see me succeed, I want to see myself succeed, and I don't want to let my professors or colleagues down anymore. It's not like me to miss choir and let my team down. I'm all about choir and being a musician and need to let these passions show again instead of acting like I don't care.

But someone helped solidify this whole past issue. So my prayers have been answered; a kind person responded and gave me the heads up on the realities of life. So I can let this go for good. Ok! "On word and up words."

Post Recital

It was my first huge recital and I thought I did well. There were some bloopers, but I recovered and that's just the nature of live performance. I'm sure it happens all the time.

My vocal folds are a bit tender today and so I've been on vocal rest most of the day. I probably will be tomorrow too. I'm not used to singing this much, although hopefully it's something I will get used to. 

My recital helped my confidence and helped me realize that this is legit! I've been doubting myself all semester and is probably why my lack of motivation. I feel bad I've let people down but right now, I have to stop worrying about what other people think and also stop worrying about past issues. But the past is something that has been difficult for me to get over. 

I still feel bad about the whole issue with my first voice teacher and sometimes wonder what kind of rumors she said about me and whether my name is blacklisted within the community as if I'm some kind of threat. It embarrasses me and it makes me choke in tears a lot. I feel like someone without a home base to go to within my field; someone to talk to about current issues that I can go to confidentially and away from bureaucracy. She was my mentor for so long and now? I have trust issues. I feel like no one understands what this issue has put me through emotionally. All I wanted was communication and you think someone who has worked with you for three years knows you, and will listen with no judgement. This is why this issue is so hard on me. I just don't understand how someone can treat someone like this. I wish my voice would be heard and understood. I want someone to know how hurt I am. I asked for forgiveness, but I have been treated like a martian. I wish she would have come to my recital. Swallow her pride and come hear me sing. I just want her to be proud of my accomplishment on how far I've come, and how much I have improved vocally. I have not gotten over this! I have not! If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here as a music major. She helped me push through and this is why it has been so hard for me. I wish someone would have my back on this and understand where I'm coming from. 

Carmina Thoughts

Juliet's voice is really top notch I think. I mean really flawless. She makes her singing look so effortless. She manages to connect her entire body; breath support, emotion, everything... Dr. Hibbard was great too. They all had their different interpretations to the Carmina solos. But Juliet had a very light quality sound to her voice; slightly lighter than Dr. Hibbard's; less Wagnerian I guess you can say. Dr. Hibbard has a real power house energy in her voice. Not bad at all and perhaps better for Carmina I guess, but I liked Juliet's voice for those pieces. It is no wonder Juliet is phenomenal. If anyone should be singing at the MET it's her. And she is so quiet and humble with her talent it seems. The silent but deadly type. She doesn't brag about how good she is but she shows you. And that is the best way to be.

It was a huge inspiration to hear both of them sing though. It just makes me want to be up there singing and it was an honor to sing on the same stage with them at the same time. Even if I was only part of the choir. 

Looking on the Bright Side

Yesterday I auditioned for Orvieto. It was a good experience even though it didn't go very well for me as my mind had a memory lapse on stage for the first piece(The second time this had ever happened to me.) Nerves... it was somewhat awkward... I was a bit nervous than usual. The jury was perfectly nice about it and helped me because they knew the words. Either way it wasn't my best. I knew "Take O Take Those Lips Away" too. I did it for Jury last semester perfectly. It's just one of those things where you have to really go over your pieces again after putting them away. But next time I will be better prepared for next year. I felt like I was prepared, but it happens when we can't control our nerves. They get the best of us sometimes.

After the audition I got to work on my Swedish pieces with someone who knew the language pretty well. I don't have to sing it in Swedish, but I want it to be more authentic and traditional. Nancy was amazed at how well I pick up the diction. It was a great experience and I am excited to sing these two Sibelius pieces. I might put them in my Sr. recital instead of my Junior recital. My Junior recital is next semester instead of this semester. This way I will be better prepared and have all summer to work on the rep. I want to have a recital specifically dedicated to women composers for my Junior recital; although I might have to add an aria or two for the requirements. Not a big deal really. Then for my Senior recital I think I will to do a Music Around the World theme. I just thought about this as I was researching pieces for my Presentation project in Rep. Seminar. Polish, Czech, Hungarian, Spanish, German, Swedish, Lithuanian... There is a Lithuanian piece I would like to do from an opera as a duet with a mezzo that is actually from a Lithuanian opera. If I can get the sheet music, that would be epic!

Nancy also gave me a great idea for the Concerto Competition next year. But one thing at a time for now. I have enough on my plate, but definitely on my to-do list of music to work on.

I've been living in a cloud of doubt this semester. But I think realizing that everyone here has their best interest for me at heart helps and talking to Dr. Owen last week helped put some things into better perspective. I shouldn't let my past define me and I shouldn't let someone's opinion of me effect my performance as a student or a professional singer and musician. I've gotten too far and I guess I am just at that phase of extreme doubt because of past setbacks. Everyone has setbacks. So Luther didn't work out. And really, I have gotten way more performance exposure here and a supportive community of friends. We are all musical, artistic people who wish each other the best in all we do, and that is how it should be.

Questions from a self help book. (Yes, one of those.)

How do you define negative self-talk?

Something that cripples me from achieving my goals and living my life to the fullest.

What factors play the greatest role in causing negative self-talk for you?

Going back to things that happened in the past plays a pretty big role in my negative self-talk; it is as if I am not able to forgive myself of some of my failures sometimes. Especially because of a relationship that went sour that meant the whole world to me. I have not been the same since.

How important is positive self-talk to the body of Christ?

It is extremely important. Negativity kills the soul and positivity awakens the soul. And Jesus himself even mentions this; To be kind to one another. I could use examples from the Bible but this not that type of blog. It is just a reflection to help me get through this funkiness I am feeling.

Why is it important to question negative thoughts?

You will never recover if you don't. We all experience these thoughts from time to time. Some of us are more sensitive than others. I am an extremely sensitive person and find it hard to cope at times. Maybe I have a mental illness. I feel like I have my ups and downs; like I am playing "tug of war" with myself.

What distracts you from your daily Christian walk?

Everything. My home environment. My doubts. My self-pity. I am just an extreme case of negativity sometimes that makes people not want to be around me.

How do you overcome distractions? 

I just try to get up every morning and tell myself "Today is a new day." Sometimes getting up for me, is a huge step.

Have you ever taken your eyes off God's promises and start sinking? How did you recover?

All the time... who doesn't? As human beings, we all do this. I recover one day at a time and thank God for another day of hope. That is all we can do sometimes.

What kind of damage can be caused by an uncontrolled tongue?

An uncontrolled tongue may hurt someone you did not mean to. Also, with the age of technology, sometimes an uncontrolled hand and mind can cause serious damage through email or texting. It is helpful to vent sometimes, but also be careful what you send someone. Try to stay positive the best way you can and keep the venting to yourself. This is not an easy thing to do. I know I am a culprit of letting my emotions get the best of me, but I find typing out your anger and then deleting it and sending positive words to someone always helps.