My vocal folds are a bit tender today and so I've been on vocal rest most of the day. I probably will be tomorrow too. I'm not used to singing this much, although hopefully it's something I will get used to.
My recital helped my confidence and helped me realize that this is legit! I've been doubting myself all semester and is probably why my lack of motivation. I feel bad I've let people down but right now, I have to stop worrying about what other people think and also stop worrying about past issues. But the past is something that has been difficult for me to get over.
I still feel bad about the whole issue with my first voice teacher and sometimes wonder what kind of rumors she said about me and whether my name is blacklisted within the community as if I'm some kind of threat. It embarrasses me and it makes me choke in tears a lot. I feel like someone without a home base to go to within my field; someone to talk to about current issues that I can go to confidentially and away from bureaucracy. She was my mentor for so long and now? I have trust issues. I feel like no one understands what this issue has put me through emotionally. All I wanted was communication and you think someone who has worked with you for three years knows you, and will listen with no judgement. This is why this issue is so hard on me. I just don't understand how someone can treat someone like this. I wish my voice would be heard and understood. I want someone to know how hurt I am. I asked for forgiveness, but I have been treated like a martian. I wish she would have come to my recital. Swallow her pride and come hear me sing. I just want her to be proud of my accomplishment on how far I've come, and how much I have improved vocally. I have not gotten over this! I have not! If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here as a music major. She helped me push through and this is why it has been so hard for me. I wish someone would have my back on this and understand where I'm coming from.
Laura, just a thought. Your first voice teacher has not blacklisted you or said bad things about you in the community. She is also all by herself at home this weekend with a small child because her husband is away at a conference, so even had she known about your recital and wanted to come, she probably could not have. 2 year old and voice recitals don't mix, and babysitters are very hard to find when you don't have family in the area. Just my 2c as someone who's friends with you both. Mary
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